In a suburban town with nothing to do,

I'm siting here listening to you speak and I can't take it. you take this way too seriously and its making me resent you.
Why are you such a bitch all the time?

"Here's what I want. I want someone who will act like an immature kid with me at all times and not be embarrassed about it in the slightest. I want someone who will sneak into movie theaters with me and drink cheap beer I hid in my purse, and I want someone who will laugh with me when I see fat people fall on their faces on the street. I want someone who will lay on the couch with me watching TV all day and not feel like a loser for it, and I want someone who won't judge me if I've been having a bad day and I have to insert an IV of vodka into my arm at 6 PM. But most of all, I want a FUCKING ASSHOLE who won't return my texts and who makes me feel like a needy chick 90% of the time. Is that too much to ask?"

I'm so incredibly in my feelings right now. I have a huge exam tomorrow and I can't find the motivation to study for it because it just doesn't seem to matter that much in the grand scheme of things.
I have this reoccuring dream that I see emily. Its a different scenario each time, but she's always sitting at a table eating. I see her, tell her that I missed her so much. she tells me shes going back to australia, and that she promises she'll make it home safe this time. I hug her, tell her that I love her, and then I leave.

I wake up crying and upset and I wish it would stop, but at the same time I hope it doesn't. they're so real, I can hear her voice, she hugs me the same way she used to, its just so vividly accurate, and in the dream I convince myself that she's back and shes here to stay, and I wake up to realize that she isn't. Its just so frustrating and scary to me that she's really really not here. I want her to be, more than anything. I would literally give anything for her to be here. and I cry everytime I remember that nothing in the world will bring her back. I miss her so so much, and I get so angry when people who didn't really know her act like they did because they want to be involved in the sorrow. Even though we didn't hang out a lot, she was still a huge part of my life, and I know that she was there for me whenever I needed her to be.

I'll never forget you. I'll never stop missing you ever ever. I love you.

been making a lot of lists lately and thinking about things that I need to do.
crossing things off is good, but i just keep adding things to the list.

I really do love my mother, and I love spending time with her. But i'm definately ready to go home. She's the only person (besides cole and mike, sometimes) that i've seen in the last week and a half. I feel kindof guilty for wanting to go home, but I can't really help it.

Also been thinking about my friends, and how I miss them. I'm so truely, genuinely sad that Cortney, Courtney, Casey and I haven't all hung out together in over a month. Its summer, the only time we really get to see each other, and we really haven't that much. No one person's fault, we've been super busy working/being out of town/etc. just sad that we probably won't get to hang out again until Thanksgiving Break.

at the same time, I can't waittttttt to be back at school, with all the new friends i've made. I really love courtney crowder so much, she's so sweet. and i miss liv and noe and kelsey and haley and kenz too.

i just need some sort of structure back in my life, even though i know for a fact once i fall into a routine

so frustrated, so antsy.
there is so much i need to do but all i can do is sit on the couch and watch tv.
i'm so tired of waiting around. not sure what i'm waiting for, but i just want something to happen.
my pants are falling off of me; the only good thing that has come out of this summer really.
besides last week at 4H camp, dont know what i would do if i didn't have that in my life.
I just want school to start again.

Kris: "Kourtney, you can't let your boyfriend sleep around. you shouldn't have to babysit him all the time to make sure he's behaving himself!"
Kourtney: "But he's a Gemini!"
--Words of wisdom from Kourtney Kardashian

Been feeling good about how productive i've been.
moved everything into my dad's house, cleaned up the room that i'm using, went back to work, joined a gym, and i've been reading a lot and eating good healthy food mostly.

I can't wait to move back to Morgantown though. I really feel like its my home now, I feel weird here kindof. Like i'm just visiting. Just when I was getting used to it, I left again. Attatchment issues.

I was at work the other day, and Alex Williams' daughter came in with her grandmother, i'm assuming, and I saw her run up to Alex and how darn precious they look together, and I realized that Alex is probably one of the strongest women I know. I mean I don't really know her know her, I've just heard her general story. we're co-workers and thats it. But just knowing how many people get pregnant at 16 and watching the way they handle it really makes me respect Alex a lot. Yeah, she had a kid while she was in high school, but she went to college, kept a part time job, took care of her kid with no help from the dad, and she graduated just a couple days ago. She did it all by herself for the most part, and I really think people like her don't get enough credit, because that cannot be easy in the slightest.

I had a weird dream that Emily decided to work at Ruby Tuesday for the rest of time instead of going to Austrailia for a year. I'm so excited for her that she gets to do that. A little sad that she's not going to be around. Even though we're not really friends that hang out all the time, I still took comfort in the fact that she would always be there to help me if I needed her to. Not many people besides your family would go on a hunt for you in Morgantown on Halloween while you were drunk to the point of oblivion, and then let you throw up in their house.

thats pretty much it.

I'm at the beach, laughing and having a good time being lazy with my best friends.
life is so good right now.

I can feel the stress settleing in. But i'm focusing on the fact that I have one more week left in this place, and i'm so incredibly happy. I'm happy that me and casey get to move our stuff into our apartment, and that I get to see my mom again. twice in one month, thats kindof a big deal. I'm so excited to go to the beach with my bffs that i haven't spent more than a day with since last august <3
I'm not exactly excited about going back to work at rubys, mostly becuase i just dont want to work at all. but thats not really an option, so i guess it will be okay.
I just want to dedicate this summer to being outside and being healthy and spending time with my friends.
<3

I really hate those days where you just look through old pictures and think about how simple your life used to be. I SO BADLY want to rewind to the day of graduation, and just live that summer over and over again. Such a good summer, right before everything got real. real life isn't that great a lot of the time.

buttt
+ i stopped biting my nails for good!
+Courtney was here this weekend <3
+taylor is coming !

This weekend has been one of the best weekends I've had in a very long time.

tudor's, gabriel brothers, driving, nail polish, movies, ice cream, nice people, long conversations, church, productivity.
also, I am now the proud owner of an olive green Juicy Coutre chiffon cardigan sweater. Not exaggerating when I say that finding it for 85% off was probably the highlight of total shopping experiences throughout my life.

Just not going out/drinking and doing what I wanted to do was exactly what I needed.

Also, I haven't bitten my fingernails in 6 whole days. I think this may have been the farthest I've ever made it, so I feel like that's definately an accomplishment.


hahah, my suitemate that HATES me walked in on me today while I was going to the bathroom.